


The (un)life of Owen

by Lilithangel



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 05:12:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4126575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilithangel/pseuds/Lilithangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Rift, an intergalactic tom cat, a dead guy, a guy who won’t stay dead and his lover. It really should have been written by Python (no really, I couldn’t do the Python humour justice).<br/>During an encounter with Captain John, Owen, Ianto and Jack are thrown through the Rift into an unknown world and some completely understandable misunderstandings happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The (un)life of Owen

**Author's Note:**

> Movie Inspiration: The Life of Brian (and The Search for the Holy Grail, and The Meaning of Life and random Monty Python sketches).

Owen didn’t want to open his eyes. He felt like he’d been on a two day bender but he was on something mostly soft so not moving was definitely his preferred option. Although he was pretty sure he hadn’t been on a bender being dead and all.

He carefully opened his eyes and came face to face with another face, a face that didn’t look familiar. He blinked and the unfamiliar face was gone and a slight turn to the right revealed another face, this time familiar. With a groan Owen rolled off Jack’s body.

“Bloody Jack and your damn exes,” Owen groaned elbowing Jack’s body, “get up and tell me where the hell we are and where everyone else is.” He sat up and looked around. It was times like this he didn’t mind being dead, it eased off the headaches even if he did have to do the dead guy version of wallet, spectacles, testicles check to make sure all his extremities were still attached and facing the right way.

It was the third time that month John had turned up and sent some of them through the Rift. Wherever they were it was at least green and earth-like making their wait at least slightly comfortable.

“Ouch,” Jack said sitting up beside him, “did anyone get the number of that rumba troop? I wouldn’t mind a return match once I get my feet under.”

“No dance troop,” Owen said irritably. “Just your crazy ex again.”

“And the others?” Jack cracked his neck and stretched.

“Just us so far,” Owen groaned and got to his feet.

“And them,” Jack said.

Startled, Owen looked around and saw a small cluster of people standing a short distance away staring at them. When he looked at them they stepped back and two of them dropped to their knees.

“They don’t seem to be armed or dangerous,” Owen said. One of them looked vaguely familiar although they looked far more excited to see him than most. He offered Jack a hand up and several of the group made ohh and ahh noises.

Jack grinned winsomely at the group. “Hello, have any other strangers appeared around here recently or not so recently?”

The group shuffled appearing to attempt all at once to step back or sideways to avoid being the one to answer. Finally they managed to reshuffle enough to leave the one that seemed familiar to Owen standing alone.

“You were dead and He brought you back,” she said to Owen instead of answering Jack.

“No he wasn’t,” Owen said quickly, “he was just unconscious.”

“He was dead,” she insisted, “and so were you. I checked.”

“No we weren’t,” Owen said.

“Yes you were,” she insisted.

“Only mostly dead,” Jack added.

“Completely dead, you were bereft of life,” she replied glaring at him. She turned to Owen and smiled. “Will you show us how you did it?”

“We need to find our friends,” Owen said avoiding her question. “Have you seen any other strangers?”

“Two strangers appeared half a season ago over at the next town,” a voice said from the back of the crowd.

“To the west,” another offered helpfully.

“Right, we really need to find our friends,” Jack said, “it was lovely to meet all of you.” 

“Yeah, thanks,” Owen said and flinched when the group took a collective breath at his words. He shrugged and followed Jack in the direction indicated. There was a shuffling noise behind them but when Owen turned the crowd were standing still, watching them leave. When he turned back again quickly thirty seconds later a couple froze in mid step and tried to look casual.

“Are they following us?” Jack said softly as they walked.

Owen risked a glance behind and shook his head. “They seem to be arguing.”

“Good. Did they seem a bit off to you?”

“Compared to what?”

“Well we appear to be on Earth,” Jack said, “Late 40th century which I’m not really familiar with but I’m pretty sure the fashion wasn’t togas and jeans.”

“Huh,” Owen shrugged, “but still not the weirdest thing we’ve seen this month.”

“Wait!” the first woman ran after and caught them. “Wait…” she placed her hands on her knees and breathed deeply for a moment. “What are your names?”

“Why?” Owen said suspiciously, only to be overruled by Jack.

 

“Jack Harkness at your service,” Jack said, “and this is Owen Harper. What’s your name?”

“Doctor,” Owen corrected irritably, he hated people forgetting the effort he’d put in for the damn title.

The woman straightened up her eyes wide with amazement. “I knew it,” she said and turned to the group that had somehow managed to move closer without Jack or Owen noticing. “Doctor Owen Harper,” she called back to them stressing the title doctor.

Collectively the group took a step back before bursting into whispered arguments again. 

“I’m Karen,” the woman replied backing away without taking her eyes off Owen until she bumped into the group and was instantly absorbed into the disagreement.

“You’ve got an admirer,” Jack teased.

“Whatever,” Owen said turning his back on the group, “let’s find the others and get the hell out of here.”

“Come on,” Jack said, “I think you could have pulled there.”

“Pulled what,” Owen grumbled as they walked, “zombie remember? There is no pulling of anything in my life in case it gets pulled off. They’re still following us aren’t they?”

“Yep,” Jack said, “they really do like you.”

“Just my natural charm,” Owen said turning to face the group. “Piss off will you,” he said.

“Where shall we piss off to Doctor Owen?” one of the men asked.

“How would I know? Go back where you came from, go home, go somewhere.” Owen wilted under the puppy sad eyes being cast at him. “Why are you following us?”

“You’re Doctor Owen,” Karen replied before she was elbowed by another woman.

“We just happen to be going in the same direction as you,” the woman said.

“You were prophesised,” Karen said, glaring at the woman, “it was written that you would come from nowhere and lead us home.”

“I’m not some sort of prophecy,” Owen said.

“He really isn’t,” Jack added.

“Yes you are,” Karen insisted. “This was the place, this was the time and everything fits so now we will follow you to the answers.”

“What answers?” Owen said.

“We don’t know. That’s what you’re for.”

“What fits?” Jack said.

“Everything,” was the only reply they got.

Owen sighed and kept walking. Jack shrugged and joined him and they both tried to ignore the following group, except to get directions.

Finally they crested a smallish hill and saw a largish town in the distance.

“It will be dark soon Doctor Owen,” Karen came up to them. “There’s accommodation on the edge of town that should be suitable. Hopefully there will be room what with the witch burning.”

“Okay…” Jack drawled. “Did you just get a shiver of foreboding because I did?”

“Should we put money on which of them it is?” Owen said. “Lead on Karen,” he added, “I’m sure Jack could do with a lie down.”

“Are you not tired Doctor Owen?” Karen said as they headed for town.

“I don’t get tired much anymore,” Owen said.

“He doesn’t get tired!” Karen called out to the group right into Owen’s ear.

When they got to the inn Karen took the lead, bustling inside only to bustle back out again. “My apologies Doctor but the inn is full. They do have room out back they’re willing to let you rest in even if you don’t require sleep I’m sure a rest would be welcome for your companion.”

“A stable,” Owen said flatly.

“It’s probably not what you’re used to,” Karen said biting her lip with worry.

“No it’s fine,” Jack said pulling Owen into the stable, “thank you. Say thank you to the nice lady Owen.”

“Thank you Karen,” Owen managed before Jack pulled the door shut.

“Right,” Jack said, “we just have to wait for them to leave and then scout for Ianto and John.”

“And force the bastard to get us home,” Owen agreed. He opened the door and waved to the group still standing there. They waved back enthusiastically and he shut the door again.

Two hours later…

“Are they still there?” Owen asked.

“There’s more of them,” Jack said, “they’ve settled in and the innkeeper is bringing them meat pies and beer. I could really go for a beer right now,” he added wistfully.

“You don’t drink beer,” Owen said.

“I could right now.”

“We’re going to have to wait until they all fall asleep or wait until morning,” Owen sighed.

Three hours later…

Owen stepped carefully over Karen’s slumbering form and around the others in various stages of drunken stupor. Jack followed behind stopping only to snag an uneaten pie from a plate on the way.

“So,” Owen said once they were clear, “where do we look first?”

“Where the action is,” Jack said pointing to the centre of town where they could just see something under construction. “My vast experience with mob reactions suggests that if they’re prisoners it will be somewhere they can see their doom and if they’re not then Ianto at least will be working on a way to free those that are.”

“And John?”

“If there’s mayhem or money to be made he’ll be there, possibly selling sausages.”

Sure enough they soon spotted an obvious lockup. Skirting round they headed for the side that faced the town centre. Jack pulled Owen back when he saw four soldiers stopping for a break against the very wall where he could see Ianto’s tie dangling from a barred window.

“I’m telling you,” one of the guards was speaking, “it was a swallow.”

“Swallow can’t carry a coconut,” another guard replied.

“There are some pretty big swallows,” another said.

“Not that big,” the second said.

“A swallow-like bird, like an eagle,” the fourth suggested.

“Eagles aren’t like swallows,” the original said.

“Yeah they are.”

“Why cause they have wings and beaks?”

“Well obviously.”

The four ambled off continuing to argue about birds and Jack and Owen hurried forward.

“Oh thank god,” Ianto said when he saw Jack’s face in the window.

“Can we go now?” John said from the back of the cell.

“What happened?” Jack asked.

“Your fancy boy decided we couldn’t leave and took my manipulator before I could,” John said before Ianto could answer.

“I will get Jack to leave you here,” Ianto threatened.

“You wouldn’t even leave some crazy woman,” John scoffed.

“I wouldn’t leave her, no,” Ianto agreed. “They’re going to burn her, I had to try and stop it.”

“Instead you both ended up in jail,” Owen said.

“His idea of helping was not,” Ianto said glaring at John.

“Well let’s get you two out of here for starters,” Jack said.

“Why are you still in jail?” Owen asked.

“The bars…” Ianto began just as Jack grabbed one and an electric shock jolted through his body, “are electrified,” he finished when Jack stopped twitching, “and we don’t know where they’re holding Meryl."

“Meryl?” Owen asked as Jack got slowly to his feet.

“The witch,” John offered.

“The accused witch,” Ianto corrected.

“Ianto has a crush,” John fake whispered.

“She’s ancient,” Ianto protested.

“She has a very ample bosom,” John said with admiration.

“She could be my grandmother.”

“Depending on when we are she could be your granddaughter,” John retaliated.

“A far more distant ancestor than that,” Jack said, “you really should get the chronometer on your manipulator fixed.”

“Now where’s the fun in that?”

“Oh for the love of Mike,” Owen growled. He grabbed a handy piece of wood and set to the bars knowing he couldn’t get electrocuted.

“What are we going to do when you spring us?” John said.

“You can hide out in the stables while we find out what’s happening with Meryl,” Jack said.

“They’re not just going to let us walk in and take away their witch,” Owen said.

“They might let Doctor Owen, assuming the prophecy goes further than Karen and her friends,” Jack said.

“Bloody hell,” Owen said as he levered out another bar and cleared enough space for the other two to climb out. “I really don’t like the way your brain is working.”

“But it’s such a sexy brain,” John leered.

Ianto sighed and handed Jack John’s vortex manipulator. “I deserve something special for not killing him.”

“And you’ll get it,” Jack promised, “just as soon as we get home.”

“Right let’s get back before those guards get back, they might be idiots but even idiots can cause trouble,” Owen said.

Back at the stables everyone was still asleep so they were able to sneak back in (acquiring some more pies on the way through).

“We’ve only got a couple of hours before everyone wakes up,” Jack said, “we might as well get some shut eye.”

“Says you,” Owen said sourly.

“Someone has to,” Ianto said, all too cheerfully as he bunked down next to Jack in an empty stall.

Owen glowered as John sidled up to him.

“So we’ve got some time to kill,” John said, “how about you show me just how dead you are?”

“Sit down and shut up or I will shoot you in the balls,” Owen said in reply. John pouted by complied.

An hour later Owen attempted to remove the drooling John from his lap, he really wasn’t interested in a damp groin without any of the enjoyment attached. Owen hated not being able to sleep and being stuck in the stables while everyone else slept was driving him mad. He got to his feet and opened the stable door to ease the claustrophobia only to be confronted by a very wide awake group that has somewhat grown since their late night excursion.

“Everyone wake up,” Owen said as he shut the door firmly on the rising ‘oohhh’ from outside. All three snapped awake as only those accustomed to be woken suddenly can. “It’s got freaky again,” he added. “Lots of people…. Lots of people.”

“Oh great,” Ianto said peeking out the door, “what do they want?”

“My sexy body,” John suggested.

“It seems Owen’s a bit of a celebrity here,” Jack said.

“Don’t look at me,” Owen said at their looks, “I have no idea what they’re on about.”

“Stop it,” Jack said to John who was opening and closing the door to illicit oohs from the crowd. “We’ll have to make a break for it,” he added, “if we want to get back to the town square and save Ianto’s witch.”

“She’s not my witch,” Ianto protested but everyone ignored him.

“I’m going to get around back of the crowd and cause a diversion,” Jack said, “you three slip out and head for the square and I’ll try and meet you there.”

“What do we do if your diversion doesn’t work?” Owen said.

“Throw John at them,” Jack said, “naked.”

“I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the greater good,” John said.

“No you’re not,” Ianto replied.

“All right children,” Jack said making for the ladder leading up to the hay storage loft.

“He’s going all Indiana Jones isn’t he?” Owen said sourly.

“Yes,” Ianto replied, “so get ready for the crash and the screaming.”

Sure enough on cue there was the sound of a body hitting the ground and cries of distress. Ianto did a quick check and unfortunately whilst some people had run off a large number were still milling around the front door.

“Well that was a waste of a death,” John said regretfully.

“Sod it,” Owen said and he stepped outside. All eyes immediately turned to him expectantly. “I’m going to the town square,” he said, “and I don’t give a damn who follows me.”

“Fair enough,” Karen said falling in behind him.

“You don’t have to follow me,” Owen said to her.

“I know,” she replied as the others joined them.

“I’m going to cause trouble for the town,” he added.

“Okay.”

When they reached the square, entourage of dozens behind them, they found the stage was set for a witch burning and the guards had already brought Meryl out to face the crowd baying for a burning.

“Wait!” Owen called out pushing through the crowd.

Surprised, the official reading out the charges stopped and looked at him. “Who are you and what do you mean by interrupting these proceedings.”

“I’m Doctor Owen Harper,” Owen said, “I’m a medical expert on witchcraft and I want to know by what grounds the suspect was charged.”

“This is highly irregular,” the official said.

“He’s the Doctor,” Karen called out, “you should listen to him.”

Ianto opened his mouth to speak and then closed it with a sidelong look at Owen and the crowd who were whispering intently between themselves.

“She was tried and sentenced in a court of law,” the official said.

“What was the evidence?” Owen demanded.

“Well look at her,” the official gestured at Meryl who was standing in the grasp of two guards. She was an elderly woman with short grey hair and a hooked nose wearing an old black dress, and she did have an ample bosom.

“What about her?”

“She looks like a witch.”

“She cursed me,” a voice in the crowd called out.

“Curdled the milk,” another added.

“Seriously,” Owen said, “that’s it?”

“What more do you need?” the official said. “Anyway we have a confession.”

“You confessed?” Ianto said to Meryl in surprise.

“I did curse Tom,” Meryl admitted, “he trampled my peonies.”

“Hey, you two should be in jail,” one of the guards said moving toward them threateningly.

“We’re with the Doctor,” John said promptly and the guard stepped back.

“So what exactly did you curse him with?” Owen said to Meryl.

“It was more at,” Meryl said, “and they were very bad words.”

Owen sighed and pinched his nose. Even dead, people managed to give him a headache. “And the curdled milk was that on a hot day?”

“Of course it was,” the official said, “it is summer after all.”

“You convicted a woman of witchcraft because she swore at some idiot who stepped on her flowers and somebody left their milk out in the sun,” Owen said with a sigh.

“So in effect you’re burning her for swearing at people?” Ianto said in disgust.

“Well… maybe?” the official said a little bit shamefaced.

“Don’t be bloody ridiculous,” Owen said, “let the woman go and maybe fence in her garden.”

“Do as he says,” Karen ordered firmly.

“Do we have to?” the official said to her.

“Am I or am I not the mayor?” Karen said.

“You’re the mayor?” Owen looked at her in surprise.

“I go away for a couple of days and you lot go off the rails,” she continued.

“What the hell were you doing in the desert?” Owen said.

“Waiting for you,” she replied to him before turning back to the official, “honestly Ron.”

“Is he really?” Ron looked at Owen.

“He appeared out of nowhere with an attractive companion who he brought back to life and his name is Doctor,” Karen said. Owen opened his mouth to complete his name but a glare from Ianto stopped him. “Let Meryl go,” she added sternly.

“Sorry Meryl,” Ron said as the guards released her.

“That’s alright,” she said, “the flying on my broomstick would confuse anyone,” Meryl said.

“Broomstick?”

“Its good transport,” Meryl admitted.

“What have I missed?” Jack said joining the group.

“He lives,” a voice called from the crowd.

“We saw him fall to his death from the stables,” another called out.

Karen stared at Owen. “How did he come back to life again?”

“I told you he wasn’t really dead,” Owen said, “he doesn’t die easily.”

“Are you the Doctor or not?” she demanded.

“He’s a doctor,” Jack said before Ianto could glare him to silence.

Before Karen could say anything there was an explosion and the pyre with the stake exploded. In the chaos John, who’d been suspiciously absent, ran up and grabbed Ianto, Owen and Jack.

“Time to go,” John shouted over the confusion as they darted into an alleyway.

“Always with the explosions,” Jack grumbled even as he activated the vortex manipulator and the four of them vanished in a golden glow.

Karen ran around the corner and stood staring at the empty space. There was a groaning noise in the space and a strange blue box appeared.

A man stuck his head out of a door in the box and smiled at her. “Hello, I’m the Doctor,” he said.

“No you’re not,” Karen said, “he just left and we don’t need any more explosions thank you.”

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak but the force of her glare convinced him to shut the door and take the TARDIS elsewhere. He had a feeling he should visit Jack sometime soon…

END


End file.
